- — manifestations first, fundamental, hidden factors last
- PIP, stigma, damagedGood. Note I’m not worried about cashflow
- [f] project delays
- [f] long hours
- [f] long commute
- large codebase in brown field. Am slower than others at reading code.
- [f] opacity — is worse than complexity or codebase size
- figure-out speed benchmark — including impostor’s syndrome
- [f = faced by every team member]
If I were the judge, then Kevin’s solution may get rejected or rated mediocre.
I think the judgement can be unreasonably tough when the judge herself is a practitioner — consider Yang and Sundip Jangi.
On the other hand,
- Yang liked my OO design in EOS
- Sundip liked my personalization design
The outcome (PIP etc) doesn’t mean my work (i.e. output) is sub-standard. The outcome has many reasons and causes.
I need to be fair and impartial to myself. [[learned optimism]] uses the three P’s. One of them is Personal.
- I would say t_trauma is a form of t_stigma, but deeper, more impactful
- stigma — stems from PIP and bonus
- “esteem” and 1stAid are positive, but 1stAid have immediate impact.
Many of these posts are a subset of PIP or Mgr^Contractor. My self-esteem crisis is invariably triggered by these two sources, but ..
.. in terms of severity PIP is 10x heavier than peer comparison.
“Bad things happen to all of us. What counts is our reaction.” — first hard from a PWM contractor from India.
I don’t want a big tabular analysis… Perhaps just focus on how fast I regained strength. Resilience and robust are big words in my vocabulary. Self-esteem is important too, but optimism is more important.
- “C” is my self-rating of My reactions to PIP —- traumatized 惊弓之鸟. too long-lasting, too personal, too ruminative. It /cast too long a shadow/ over my long-term career planning and job choices.
- 🙂 However, I am always courageous and resilient to take up the challenge right after the PIP, and focus on work.
- ——- all other reactions are more calm, resilient or even robust ——-
- “B ” my reaction to high-flier classmates —- I continue to fight the irrational , illogical reaction. The harm is much light than PIP reaction.
- “BBB ” My reaction to U.S. and Singapore immigration issues —- a little drawn out. I worried for quite a long time, proportional to the level of complexity. But I was calm and focused on the problem.
- “BBB ” My reaction to the trespass —- severe for the first few days but I managed to shrug it off after lots of research online.
- “BB ” My reaction to kids’ academic difficulties, weight problem, —- a bit Pessimistic, but much lighter in comparison to PIP. I managed to detach myself emotionally and grow my resilience.
- “AAA ” My reaction to investment foes —- shows a sign of strength. Resilience. I shrugged it off most of the time and focused on work.
- “A ” My reaction to rejections by women —- not robust not positive. I kinda acknowledged that I have a high standard and I wasn’t so attractive on the ‘market’. I think that was fairly realistic.
- “BBB+”My reaction to the underwhelming quant prospect, my poor ROI —- realistic and negative. I didn’t complain for long. I accepted it and put it aside.
- “AA ” My reaction to my c# ROI —- calm. I remain confident about my c#.
- “AAA ” my reaction to the perceived gap behind coding test pros. I renew my effort without over-thinking
“AAA ” my reaction to contract terminations at Citi —- positive. I wasted no time. No self-pity.
- “AAA+”My reactions to repeated interview rejections — always robust and positive. I get right back on the horse after I fall.
Did localSys effort save me? See my rather surgical tabulation analysis of past PIP + survivals
- GS — No, not a lot of respect, but I was able to hold my end of the log. With insufficient localSys I would get even less respect.
- Quest — No. The PIP was due to many factors. I feel my Quest GTD was adequate. With insufficient localSys, I would get even less respect.
- 🙂 RTS — yes
- 95G + volFitter — limited localSys .. nice green field projects for me.
- Macq — No. However, With insufficient localSys, I would have been kicked out within Y1
— Macq? I now feel my localSys at Macq was deeper than at Quest or RTS
- I put in lots of effort and was able to diagnose most build errors on MSVS and Linux.
- I needed lots of localSys knowledge to modernize codebase for MSVS-2015 and c++14.
- I needed localSys + innovative on-the-fly code gen + other skills to add the logging decorator into pymodels. This hack alone is worth a bonus. This hack is more effective more valuable than all my hacks in OC.
However, I feel the expectation was too high so in the end I got PIP and felt like damaged good.
I need to challenge that negative impression of the entire episode.
Yet another revisit. See also post on dare2fail.
My intern David Okao asked “What if the west coast workplaces are too demanding? Can you cope?” I replied
- As an adventurer, I don’t mind the risk… robust, resilient confidence
- As an adventurer, I see myself as adaptable, a survivor
- I may have my secret weapons
- I may find my strengths such as domain knowledge, data analysis, trouble-shooting, efficient design, math(yes)
I then went over a similar discussion about MLP with Ashish, when I said —
- If similar to Macq, I put up a good fight but still fail due to personal “capabilities”, I ought to feel positive about the whole experience.
- I’m good at the job-hunting game so no real worries.
- [o] RTS — I estimated 20->30-40% risk but actually zero
- [o] OC — I felt I was doing nothing for months (20% risk) but they offered me a transfer
- [o] citi — I wasn’t productive (30% risk) but they extended my contract for 6M
- [u] Macq — I felt I was decent (2% risk), but expectation was way too high
- [u] Stirt – I felt I was moving up (2% risk), but headcount pressure came as surprise
- [u] barclays — I did superb job (0% risk) but head count pressure came as surprise
- [u] 95G — I did superb job (0% risk) but head count pressure came as surprise
- [o=overestimate of prob(PIP or layoff)]
“Unqualified” is yet another incorrect, irrational perception:
Macq — proven qualified for most parts of my job, and received bonus and transfer offer as evidence. The other part — the leadership job function was beyond me, but that’s hiring manager’s mistake.
Qz — received Meet/Meet. London manager actually liked my work a lot.
Macq is probably the only job where I focused on localSys GTD but still fell below the bar.
The PIP cast a long shadow and left a deep scar. Am still recovering. This scar is deeper than Stirt …
Remember the abused children, who grew up traumatized? I was not traumatized as a kid. My traumatic experience is still /devastating/ but I can handle it. I have the maturity to handle it.
Adults are often traumatized by failed marriage, in-law conflicts,..
grandpa’s advice is 随遇而安 — “Do your best. If they decide it’s a role mismatch then look for another job”. I will expand on his advice and add relevant tips and observations
- academic self-image .. fragile — Ashish pointed out I was academically too successful and unable to cope with put-downs
- best effort — I don’t need to bend over backward and sacrifice family
- no shame
- no fear of stigma — sounds impossible but it is possible !
- no regret
- guilt — the guilt should be on employer for making a wrong hire and creating hardship in my life.
- stay positive — there’s a chance I can survive for 1-2 years
- peer caliber — Ashish said those guys aren’t rock stars
- Saurabh attitude — I believe at a high salary or as the first technology hire for Julian, expectation would be rather high. Can I withstand the pressure as Saurabh did?
- GS pressure cooker — I survived there, so I should be able to survive anywhere else.
- learning to cope — At GS/Qz/Macq, did I learn coping strategies to manage the pressure? I hope so.
The pressure to perform would likely create real stress in the family, as i’m not as ‘carefree’ as in Bayonne. I feel some of the past stigmas would come back to haunt me.
Your endured a traumatic episode without a job for months. I had, on a smaller scale, traumatic experiences under managers who don’t appreciate my effort and demanded improvement in performance. I felt like damaged goods.
I now believe these traumatic experiences shape an individual’s outlook, to put it mildly. In each individual’s career, there’s only one (or two) defining experience. These singular experiences tend to leave a long and deep scar in our psyche.
In my career, the biggest pain is not job loss. In fact, as I said last time, in hind sight my job loss was a positive turning point. My biggest pains were always negative performance reviews. I’m so scared and scarred that I now assign a disproportionate value to manager’s assessment, and basically ignore other people’s assessment, and ignore the level of difficulty of my role. What I ignore are crucial factors. Ignoring them is an irrational decision and leads to distorted perception of myself relative to coworkers.
I developed naive, knee-jerk reactions that as soon as I get a negative assessment from manager, I immediately see myself as damaged goods, of inferior quality and incompetent, when in reality the role expectation could be wholly unsuitable for me. Imagine you are expected to give salesy presentations to upper management and you are seen as not persuasive not technical enough.
In terms of innovation, simplicity, elegance, testability, instrumentation…. my design is more worthwhile than most other jobs
- RTS — even though I had my automation script + my dumpBuffer
- OC — even though I created the elegant WCF log viewer
Still, it was not enough to impress boss. I still got PIP.
- long service, moving-up attempts failed 3 times in SG. Self-esteem damaged each time due to damagedGood.
- Next time I get into a perm job, I will not try so hard
- c++ visible progress was slow; c# visible progress was faster but abandoned
- .. minor setbacks
- MSFM poor ROI. See tabulation
- FSM and trading as a side project and new direction? Unwhelming exprience… didn’t realy bear fruits
Now I feel such failed attempts are part of life for everyone unless you don’t make any attempt. It’s irresponsible to avoid reviewing those unsuccessful attempts, but let’s not be too fixated on the negatives.
I won’t talk about my personal experiences (too painful) but in general, a donut bonus often means
You are free to go
You are the weakest member of the team
You are not qualified not competent for the role
You will be assigned some unimportant shitty work
You need to improve or get out of here
You are classified as “damaged goods”.
If you choose to remain, you may get increasingly harsh treatment, until you move on.
You may not have the option to stay here and remain an organization deadweight
However, if 1/3 of the team members get donut bonus, then it’s normal and not so bad.
One of the most devastating damaged-goods experiences was the layoff at baml.
However, if I did better at codility i would have transferred and I would not have felt like damaged goods!
Of course there are multiple contributing factors to "damaged goods", but in this case, codility is one.
I really don’t want to care too much about manager’s comments. Those comments tend to hurt deeply. They often reflect the manager’s personal agenda, never a balanced/unbiased view. The keyword list is designed to counter some of the negative comments.
- [zed, catcha] versatile, broad-based
- [GS] ownership
- [GS] client relationship
- [GS, Chartered] attention to details
- [GS] code quality. I was asked to present and publish
- [GS, Mansion] technical strength
- [GS, Barc] analytical
- [Barc, GS] knowledge sharing
- [Barc, GS] personal sacrifices
- [95G] architecture design
- [Mac] good at team working across departments
- [Mac] adaptive to new tech; fast learning
These tags/categories overlap. Not a big problem.
- respect — respect from MANAGER only. Synonyms include approval
- coworker benchmark — usually the main reason for PIP, though Macq is exception
- GTD — the basis of coworker benchmark
- localSys knowledge — the #1 source of GTD power